Quick note on the LDL.
There have been times when I can’t quite fathom how I got here. It’s as if I’ve gotten punch drunk but some how still managed to get the big flashy belt. I wonder if they make special boxer-jeans with belt loops big enough so that you can wear that belt around. Gallagher or Carrot Top probably have a few pairs.
When I was a kid, and to this day, if I am being honest with myself, when going over bridges I always have the urge to throw my most valuable possession into the water. Some times I get the same feeling when I am with him (no I don’t necessarily want to throw him off a bridge…though I did pay an awful lot for him).
I have stayed up all night sifting through freshmen and sophomore year blogs , both mine and Miriam’s trying to get a sense of time, why Nick and not Greg? Etc. I learned a few things:
1. I was completely in lust with Alec for months and months…how did I forget that whole period of my life? Also it spawned some of the worst poetry to come out of my head. Alec, though we have both seen each other at our worst/meanest/cruelest, is truly an amazing friend and one of my favorite people in the entire world.
2. It was shitty of me to get involved with Ciaran that soon after he and Lizzie broke up (even though she seemed okay w/ it at the time…), I don’t think she has forgiven me for it or ever will, and who is say she is wrong? Certainly not me. Maybe it makes the triangle of men-sharing (Miriam, Me and Lizzie) stronger some how, if I want to be optimistic about it.
3. It was also shitty of me to be upset with Miriam about hooking up with Shane, but the thing was I was more pissed at Shane, well even more so just the situation itself. Also ROFL for that whole month.
4. Its amazing I made it out of freshmen year alive and with a decent GPA with all the drinking/partying/sexytimedrama.
5. Its also amazing how many times I backslided & got involved with Prof. L’Oreal... Though there were a few more incredible anecdotes about the situation which I had forgotten, but are worth telling over and over again.
6. Remember how there were at least 3 or 4 friends whose redic. Hookups I had forgotten…and also whole people. Who the EFF is Brian from freshmen year???
7. I had forgotten how fully involved Greg was in Miriam’s life from the middle-end of first semester freshmen year….onward. I can’t apologize for any damage I did to that relationship. In a way I am really glad to not be on campus next year, in hopes that that may rectify the situation. He is a really important person to many people.
8. Reading transcripts of Miriam/Greg’s really funny convos and also accounts of how he helped basically everyone in Dorch and even our brief path crossing at some of the highest drama moments….all made me love him deeper.
9. Also, in relation to this, I never threw the love word around lightly, but I did say that “I liked __________ a whole lot” ….quite a bit. I am /was such a waif.
11. I wish I had been a better friend to basically everyone Freshmen/Sophomore year. I wish I still talked to Laura/Lizzie/Kate/Ciaran. I wish I talked to Miriam more because she really is amazing in every way, all the way back to freshmen year when I stared as “the neighbor” in that wacky sitcom/comidrama of her life. We know a lot about each other, and for some reason she still manages to like me…I hope.
12. “People Come (Cum) and Go So Quickly Here”. – St.Mary’s forever.
13. I wish I had more time with Gregor on St.Mary’s campus or could spend another night staying up all night with him…there’s so much I want for him and for us.
14 MOST IMPORTANTLY: I AM A CRAPPY JOURNAL-er and hardly ever write anything worth remembering and/or hardly ever write in general. So I should probably either work on this issue or I should just stop all together…
It has been about 4 hours since I last talked to anyone. LDL (aka Greg) had an amazing revelation yesterday concerning Hinduism/connected-ness; I really can’t do it any justice by trying to describe it here. Listening to him talk about it I was SOOO happy for him/proud of him, it’s as if he’s happier now than he ever has been and it’s because of some knowledge gained. He is much more cynical then I am about most things, but really if I am honest with myself I like that about him (John and Paul making music groundbreaking music together? but I don’t want to be the Walrus), but this is almost like a healthy dose of something sort of like optimism. I really can’t wait to see where this leads him. I also would like to state for the record that I think it is just too funny that it has happened only a short period of time after reading The Razor’s Edge. I know it has nothing to do with the issue…its just sort of funny/apt.
I have been in fact been obsessing about this chaos theory/quantum theory-esque idea of connected-ness for the past few weeks. I am jealous that Gregor seems to have found his answer; I am still, perhaps permanently waiting to form a solid opinion. Gemini season is over, so maybe I will come up with some concrete stuff v. soon. Watching the movie Ghandi seemed to help…as horrible as that sounds. I CAN’T wait to talk to Miriam about her trip to India. I am sure Greg and I will both grill her separately. Good Cop/Bad Cop…I guess I could go either way, I am just in it for the doughnuts (in this case the doughnuts are a metaphor for knowledge of about India/Hinduism etc.)
In other news today I enjoyed the most amazing evening walk/alone time to/in Ellicott City. I thought about everything past and future, nothing new really came to light, just that I was really happy, which is perhaps the most important thing to realize, one could spend all their time being happy and not knowing it, what a waste. I ate a bagel with salmon cream cheese with red peppers on top from Bean Hollow for dinz, it was all that I expected and more. Then I just sort of pretended to read my textbook/study and then went to get some dessert from the Rumor Mill, the new restraunt where Side Streets used to be. Its actually one of the best dining experiences I have ever had, and it wasn’t just that the Crème’ Brulee was really really mind blowingly good, it was also the very friendly and excitable waitstaff. I def. think it’s the best Asian-fusion restraunt I’ve been to. Next time Saki bombs and giant piles of sushi. Eating alone, really is quite nice. I plan on going to see La Vie en Rose by myself some time later this week. Apparently, its breathtaking.
Wow this is a giant entry and I haven’t even recapped the past few weeks (including my Cleveland trip which was really great). More later. If you can handle it.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Thursday, June 7, 2007
F*#cking with Me Cause I am a teenager with a little bit of gold and a pager
Well I guess as of this morning I am no longer a teenager, but a twenty-something. “They” (who ever that is…some kind of Jungian entity) say that those are some of the best years of your life…and to be honest they might be right…but I am really not the best authority on the issue. (Don’t they also say that the golden years are the best as well though??) Anyway, there’s a more specific they…rather a him, a Nietzsche who speaks about the idea of eternal recurrence, “According to Nietzsche, it would require a sincere amor fati (Love of Fate) not simply to endure, but to wish for, the eternal recurrence of all events exactly as they occurred — all the pain and joy, the embarrassment and glory. Nietzsche calls the idea "horrifying and paralyzing," and says that its burden is the heaviest weight imaginable. The wish for the eternal return of all events would mark the ultimate affirmation of life:‘What, if some day or night a demon were to steal after you into your loneliest loneliness and say to you: 'This life as you now live it and have lived it, you will have to live once more and innumerable times more' ... Would you not throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse the demon who spoke thus? Or have you once experienced a tremendous moment when you would have answered him: 'You are a god and never have I heard anything more divine.' – The Gay Science”
I guess I’d like to for my own benefit go over the “teenage years” and ask myself would I want to live all the embarassments and the mistakes all over again? Also its just fun to see how you’ve changed in a few short years. I wonder if this much change will happen in a span of 7 years again.
13 – “If it's so then let me know/If it's no then I can go/ And I won't make you” – Thirteen by Elliott Smith
Friends - I was in 8th grade and my best friend was probably Kelly Newhouse/Keri Kean. I was recovering from a 7th grade roughing up by Soyna Alexander, who dumped me as a friend. Any minor stint of high to medium popularity was gone. However I managed to return to my original group of friends : Rachel, Mindy, Nikki, Kelly Newhouse (and through Kelly…Keri Kean). We all ate lunch in Mr.Volkman’s art room, we were too cool and I guess “punk rock” for the cafeteria. Most of my friends but Keri were cutters and dressed in the Hot Topic chic-look that had yet to come into its full sceney mcscene level of popularity. They were aggressive, Rachel especially. I was not.
Music : I was still a recovering hippie from my 7th grade love affair with Mr. Ryan O’Connell and through him Bob Dylan.
Love: I think in many ways I was still recovering from my huge crushing crush on Mr.O’Connell that year. I think that I might have had a little thing for Jacob Corfield and maybe Jeff Daley as well. I had a thing for the fair-hair/red-headed lot from the beginning. I remember at the very end of 8th grade, there was the 8th grade dance. I remember the first moment I walked into the gym (a room filled with enough middle school trauma to fill a whole Todd Solondz film) with my hair pulled back, and no huge awkward glasses. Random acquaintances came up to me in my little navy dress with a square neck line and told me how good I looked. I guess I could only get better (there was A LOT of room for improvement). Anyway, at the last song, I danced with Jeff Daley, I think a mutual friend set us up. I think we might have talked awkwardly. I wanted to give him a kiss, but one of my friends…I think it must have been Keri, pulled me away just as I was going for his cheek.
Biggest Downfall/Best Accomplishment : I guess my writing in those days was both cause for dismay and praise. I wrote some really disturbing play about a gay bullied boy named Jacob, I think he might of killed himself at the end…of course. This play fell into some hands of teachers and got me a one way ticket to guidance. I managed to wiggle out of that one rather fast. The company I kept didn’t make it any easier of course. This also strained my relations with the teachers who reported me. However my writing wasn’t always getting me into trouble. I remember being the main student in charge of the literary magazine (P.A.W.S) and having a lot of stuff published in it and in the yearbook as well. I also remember when my speech was the winner of some 8th grade graduation contest and I got to be the student speaker at graduation. I was so nerveous, but I managed to only shake a little bit and overall did a good job speaking in front of all those kids and their parents. I also was rather annoying to Mr.O’Connell that year, basically forcing him to read this one (v. disturbing/mediocre/graphic) novel…which he did. He even bought me another copy and wrote an inscription in it.
Well its getting late and I am going to Cleveland bright and early tomorrow morning! I will finish up with
I guess I’d like to for my own benefit go over the “teenage years” and ask myself would I want to live all the embarassments and the mistakes all over again? Also its just fun to see how you’ve changed in a few short years. I wonder if this much change will happen in a span of 7 years again.
13 – “If it's so then let me know/If it's no then I can go/ And I won't make you” – Thirteen by Elliott Smith
Friends - I was in 8th grade and my best friend was probably Kelly Newhouse/Keri Kean. I was recovering from a 7th grade roughing up by Soyna Alexander, who dumped me as a friend. Any minor stint of high to medium popularity was gone. However I managed to return to my original group of friends : Rachel, Mindy, Nikki, Kelly Newhouse (and through Kelly…Keri Kean). We all ate lunch in Mr.Volkman’s art room, we were too cool and I guess “punk rock” for the cafeteria. Most of my friends but Keri were cutters and dressed in the Hot Topic chic-look that had yet to come into its full sceney mcscene level of popularity. They were aggressive, Rachel especially. I was not.
Music : I was still a recovering hippie from my 7th grade love affair with Mr. Ryan O’Connell and through him Bob Dylan.
Love: I think in many ways I was still recovering from my huge crushing crush on Mr.O’Connell that year. I think that I might have had a little thing for Jacob Corfield and maybe Jeff Daley as well. I had a thing for the fair-hair/red-headed lot from the beginning. I remember at the very end of 8th grade, there was the 8th grade dance. I remember the first moment I walked into the gym (a room filled with enough middle school trauma to fill a whole Todd Solondz film) with my hair pulled back, and no huge awkward glasses. Random acquaintances came up to me in my little navy dress with a square neck line and told me how good I looked. I guess I could only get better (there was A LOT of room for improvement). Anyway, at the last song, I danced with Jeff Daley, I think a mutual friend set us up. I think we might have talked awkwardly. I wanted to give him a kiss, but one of my friends…I think it must have been Keri, pulled me away just as I was going for his cheek.
Biggest Downfall/Best Accomplishment : I guess my writing in those days was both cause for dismay and praise. I wrote some really disturbing play about a gay bullied boy named Jacob, I think he might of killed himself at the end…of course. This play fell into some hands of teachers and got me a one way ticket to guidance. I managed to wiggle out of that one rather fast. The company I kept didn’t make it any easier of course. This also strained my relations with the teachers who reported me. However my writing wasn’t always getting me into trouble. I remember being the main student in charge of the literary magazine (P.A.W.S) and having a lot of stuff published in it and in the yearbook as well. I also remember when my speech was the winner of some 8th grade graduation contest and I got to be the student speaker at graduation. I was so nerveous, but I managed to only shake a little bit and overall did a good job speaking in front of all those kids and their parents. I also was rather annoying to Mr.O’Connell that year, basically forcing him to read this one (v. disturbing/mediocre/graphic) novel…which he did. He even bought me another copy and wrote an inscription in it.
Well its getting late and I am going to Cleveland bright and early tomorrow morning! I will finish up with
Monday, June 4, 2007
Wild Wild West(ern Maryland)...
While driving to/exploring western Maryland today I saw a bumper sticker that read "Fredneck is not a dirty word" and I reached the same conclusion. I have never been much on small town charm, maybe its just my open hostility for antique shopping. However, wandering around Fredrick today with my dad I couldn't help but love this weird combination of hippies, Fredneck and ex-hardcore tattooed store owners. Its location is incredible as well 45 minutes from D.C. , 46 from Baltimore. I am not saying that I want or dream of living in Fredrick, but it really just put a lot of previously held views of small town living to shame. Well, Fredrick was really just a side trip, our real destination, Lilypons, MD. Lilypons turned out to be one of the weirdest places I had ever been : http://www.lilypons.com/ . When we finally arrived, after a few backroads and tons of barns, we found a wholesale fish and waterlily store craddled in the mountains and powerlines (pics to follow soon). At home I was greeted with an invite out on the town by Carmen and Conor and while getting ready to go out, a phone call from LDL was enough to make me giddy for the rest of the night (the latte helped as well). It was really a perfect day of travel and old friends getting together. There's really nothing better than coffee and pouring over Cosmo and wedding magazines and being catty and a big giant girl...except maybe travelling to a place you have never been before and will never forget.
I watched my main man, Anthony Bourdain go to Ireland when I got home. Hearing both the Northern Irish accent (the most beautiful accent in the world) and the Cork men mulling over pints..shook the marrow in my bones. I proceeded to send an email to my Irish friend, Caroline asking her how she is and what she is doing in August. My hope is that I could fly into Shannon or Dublin and stay with Caz for a weekend or maybe more and bum around Ireland again. I ache to see Roscahill and Galway. Nothing in the world like Irish whiskey or Guinness in Ireland said Anthony Bourdain...and I have to agree. In many way Ireland is romaticized wrongly, but mostly I find it to be justified. My mission is to get to Belfast, walk up the Falls and the Shankhill. Love murals...COME WITH ME!
I just finished watching Dr.K Death himself being interviewed by Larry King. I don't know what to think. The cause he stands for I agree with, but I am want to wonder whether or not he is the best person for the cause. Then I of course realize what a great scarifice he has made and can respect anyone with strong conviction, regaurdless of what it is for...well almost anything. Now I am watching a re-run of Anderson Cooper 360 his pop-journalism and soundbites make me blush (both from sexual frustration and embarassment over a mediocre pop-news program that has not reached its full potential) however I would really like to see the full Democratic canidate debate (helllllllloooo youtube) and hope to see the elephants duke it out tommorow (McCain/Romney KY wrestling anyone?)
ALSO this is where I am going for my birthday lunch this Thursday : http://www.leparadou.net/ I am beyond excited and beyond lucky to have such great parents and to have made it 2 decades.
to bed now. tommorow is another day (hopefully one full of landscaping and swimming).
I watched my main man, Anthony Bourdain go to Ireland when I got home. Hearing both the Northern Irish accent (the most beautiful accent in the world) and the Cork men mulling over pints..shook the marrow in my bones. I proceeded to send an email to my Irish friend, Caroline asking her how she is and what she is doing in August. My hope is that I could fly into Shannon or Dublin and stay with Caz for a weekend or maybe more and bum around Ireland again. I ache to see Roscahill and Galway. Nothing in the world like Irish whiskey or Guinness in Ireland said Anthony Bourdain...and I have to agree. In many way Ireland is romaticized wrongly, but mostly I find it to be justified. My mission is to get to Belfast, walk up the Falls and the Shankhill. Love murals...COME WITH ME!
I just finished watching Dr.K Death himself being interviewed by Larry King. I don't know what to think. The cause he stands for I agree with, but I am want to wonder whether or not he is the best person for the cause. Then I of course realize what a great scarifice he has made and can respect anyone with strong conviction, regaurdless of what it is for...well almost anything. Now I am watching a re-run of Anderson Cooper 360 his pop-journalism and soundbites make me blush (both from sexual frustration and embarassment over a mediocre pop-news program that has not reached its full potential) however I would really like to see the full Democratic canidate debate (helllllllloooo youtube) and hope to see the elephants duke it out tommorow (McCain/Romney KY wrestling anyone?)
ALSO this is where I am going for my birthday lunch this Thursday : http://www.leparadou.net/ I am beyond excited and beyond lucky to have such great parents and to have made it 2 decades.
to bed now. tommorow is another day (hopefully one full of landscaping and swimming).
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
does catharsis rhyme with neurosis?
A lot to talk about but first a gloss by Wilco :
"This is still new to me /It's not what I planned/Impossible Germany/Unlikely Japan/This is what love is for/To put us at a place/Gorgeous and alone/And face to face/With no larger problems /That need to be erased/And nothing more important/Than to know someone's listening/Oh I know you're still listening"
A Tale of Two Cities :
I haven't updated because I have been out on the town showing my friend Carmen and her friend from Alabama, Miranda around Baltimore and the surrounding suburbs.
Day 1 (Hot Girls in the City)
On the way into the city via lightrail, Miranda gets harrassed by a very very drunk black man with a cane and a pair of binoculars. I think she was a mixture of flattered/offended. In a way the event was how most people view Baltimore. This would be the theme of the rest of the trip (where do stereotypes come from...) After spilling out onto the street we venture down through the porno block to the inner harbor. We stop into the Barnes n' Nobles at the Power Plant. There are apparently 2 Starbucks in it now. Then it was off to Little Italy. Along the way Miranda had to deal with both really bad smells of hot trash/dirty views of the bay/crack heads. Once we got to Little Italy, she began to have a little bit more of a positive view of the city, however even this was half taken away by the finding of a fly in Carmen's iced latte from Vaccaro's. I felt like it was sort of funny how everything was unfolding. Maybe Baltimore was revealing its true stereotypical self, which I had previously been shielded from. Then it was a walk to Fells Point. In Fells we enjoyed a few nice cafe's, including the Daily Grind, where Miranda made BFFs with the baristas there and got one of the best Americanos she had ever had. They really do pour a mean shot there. My stomach was half in knots, as much as I love Fells Point it haunts me. I have never been distraught in a whole neighborhood before. If Leonard Cohen is right then "true love leaves no traces", then perhaps the lack of love leaves huge imprints among the brick and cobblestones. As we left the city, there were fireworks.
Day 2 (A Day of Sun and Seamen)
On Tuesday I offered to babysit Miranda while Carmen went to work. She got dropped off around 7:30, I woke up and took a shower while she watched the "Strangers with Candy" movie. Then we went to my very quick doctor's appointment. I had been having problems with my heart, but apparently I am the picture of health (and minus 10 pounds since my last visit). I was glad to hear all this news. I wonder if my relationship with LDL had anything to do with the 10 pounds. I couldn't help but remember something one of my roomates at St.Mary's had said, "you have gotten so much more attractive since you started dating him". I didn't really know what to say to that. Others had said I had a "glow" / "stupid dazed smile on my face" all semester. Whatever it was, I am glad for it. Then we (Miranda,my dad and I) stopped at Sam's Bagels, I skipped out on the delicious bagels. Then we all headed over to Annapolis for the day. We really just walked around enjoying the scenery and the more slow paced mini-city. After a few hours of this and lunch, we headed home. Miranda and I walked to Ellicott City. On the trolley trail I ran into Sam Bopp with his mother. It had been years since I had seen him and it really shook me up, he looked really different, hairy. I gave him a huge hug (which I normally don't do) and we had a 2 second convo. Then we each went our separate ways. In Ellicott City, I did my best to recap some of the history/spookiness about different places. She didn't seem too freaked out, until walking past the creepy alley by the Crystal Underground and then more so after seeing Castle Michelanglo which looks out over the little mill town. Back at my house we exchanged ghost stories until Carmen came to pick her up. All in all a mellow, but decent day. Followed by a rather horrible night of restlessness and unfounded unhappiness. After speaking to the LDL it all seemed to fade nicely. I guess it was just nice to know that someone still finds me funny (for some reason he just seems to elevate that part of me), he himself is quite funny as well, sometimes he's so witty it scares me.
Day 3 (that old joke again)
Woke up at 1, remembered that I was supposed to be at Carmen's house at 1 for another day in the city. Left my house late, but called to make sure everything was alright/warn them. When I got there, I was told we were just going to head down back to Catonsville to pick up Carmen's brother from the high school. We debated whether or not to go in, finally deciding against it. Maybe this is a sign of growing up and letting go of any possible attachments to a pile of bricks and hallways which didn't hold anything for us now. For us, our eyes were always cast to the south to St.Mary's and Roanoke. Then, with Evan in tow it was off to Ellicott City to try some of the sipping chocolate we had heard so much about. It was all it was hyped up to be and more. The lady behind the register knew Evan, and began to talk to him and even pulled some money from her cash register and gave it to him for some unknown reason. This was all followed by a fast romp around Pikesville and then off to Catonsville to drop off Evan for graduation (he plays in the band) and to watch movies at my house until dinner time. We watched half of Crimes and Misdemeanors before meeting Carmen's parents at Chef Paulinos. It had moved to a nice building next to its former strip mall-esque location, the inside still looked the same and we still saw all of St.Joe's finest eating there (including Nate Shearer). It was soooo weird to see him there or to see him at all. I didn't stop and talk. I simply looked ahead. When almost strangers (who had seen each other at their respective worst) see each other again, years later...it seems that silence is the best solution. After dinner (of an amazing pizza) we watched the rest of the movie and started Hannah and Her Sisters. About 20 minutes into Hannah and her Sisters, the crew had to leave. I headed upstairs, preparing for a nice night of reading. I found that the LDL was online and talked to him for a little bit, but I found myself being extra self-conscious of how boring I was, I think maybe it was all the Woody Allen movies. Miranda said "he really captures how boring some people are in their interactions". I guess this current blog doesn't really do much to counter-act that notion. The he said he had to leave for a bit, but would be back. I didn't blame him, I was all over the place getting more gemini by the second (but without the wit). So I left to, to try to find something to distract my restless mind with. I couldn't read, so I wrote the LDL a little (not very good) poem in some little notebook. I hardly write by putting pen to paper anymore. I also uploaded some of my recent cd purchases to itunes. This caused my computer to go a little bit nuts so I let LDL know that it was happening and to call me before going to bed if he wanted. He didn't and its okay. I seem to be in no mood to talk anyway, not even to him, even though I found myself so perfectly smitten with him earlier in the day without even talking to him. Its getting harder and harder to keep myself together on this issue, esp. with horrible "women's time" thrown into the mix. Someone once said that they write to help organize their thoughts on a certain issue, so I guess I will do that now.
PLEASE feel free to skip this next section, it is really a trip inside the mind of a very stupid girl.
Analysis of the Issue:
- I am a head-lover by trade. Love when I think it fits, often times when it just seems to make sense. Also, I really just think too much about the matter. Let sleeping dogs lye, let love take its course? I think not.
- I am a runner. The first signs of trouble makes me second guess the whole picture. (hence this whole section of the post) The world is a big place, a little too big. My parents emphasizing the fact of my love/future with one person puts a great amount of happiness that is equally matched by a burden unto me. The very mention of the word "ring" by my mother is enough to make me smile a Cheshire cat grin, make me break out in a cold sweat, want it more than anything and yet hate myself for thinking that and wanting that.
- I associate being in love with feeling young and getting into mischief together. As my 20th birthday approaches, I can't help but feel like time is going by so fast and all I want is to run around outside with somebody or drink under playground equipment. He is that person, my best playmate and partner in crime, but he is miles away and deserves a closer companion as much as I do. I am also having to deal with my own issues with age, that I think are incomprehensible to a lot of other people. I still want to hop fences and go where I am not supposed to. I also want the workload and the responsibility of a 20 year old. But really is anyone going to respect a 20-year old hooligan? And I do want respect. I do care what other people think, how else is one supposed to judge themselves and see if they are actually a good person. Mirrors are not good judges of character, reflections in the eyes of others is though.
- I haven't been able to make somebody laugh for days and its killing me. I am becoming horribly boring. I have nothing to talk about, my brain feels dead. All the reading I do isn't helping either. No one wants to talk about what books the other is reading. Dull. Dull. Dull. So not only am I becoming old, but I am becoming dull. I said things this past week, that I was really just had to say to myself, "wait...I can't believe you just said that, you self-important jackass...no one really cares what you think about the state of race relations in the Baltimore-Washington corridor so SHUT UP".
- I am a flirt with a burdensome history I can't seem to get away from fast enough. Just today LDL noticed a John Berryman poem in my profile that I had put there during my days of messing around with a sailor in all sorts of unkosher ways. This caused me to fly into some kind of crazy spaz-mode. Deleting the poem, and putting another one up. I don't regret that time, not for the world. Do I wish I was a better person? yes, everyone does though, don't they? Do I sometimes wish that I was back living that sort of lifestyle? Not really, only a little bit. Its not as if being wanted for your sexual openness/prowess (which hasn't quite been up to par this whole semester, even if I am more satisfied sexually then I have ever been, I am not satisfied with my effort) and bomb-ass titties is something to want. I have been so much happier these past few months then I ever was when I was going to big parties and dicking around in barns with Navy pilots. I romanticize those events of course, perhaps unjustly, and that's not fair to LDL, even though I think I romanticize certain events with him too. I also worry that that part of me is going to lead me astray one day and that I will end up crushing both of us by some stupid fling, but just from clubbing and remembering the way I danced/behaved with the boys/men there, I know that this will never happen. I can flirt and dance and have my fun and not take it too far. I know I need to club or just roam around a bit to feel like I have lived and wasn't just stuck in some void, waiting. Carpe Diem, seize the carp right?
- MOST OF ALL THOUGH, it all boils down to the simple fact that I feel so strongly towards him, something so definite...and I usually can't say that anything is absolute...so I am feeling so strongly, but I am being pulled to doubt it at every turn (effing gemini...I know). The problem is that being aware of these doubts is healthy, but its not strengthening my feelings like it should be. The thing is, in spite of all of this craziness, I still feel so certain. I want this to work out more than anything else ever and that scares me too, almost as much as the possibility of failing at this scares me. I am not afraid of commitment, I am afraid of myself.
AH. I think that really helped me to get that all out. I hope no body reads it, but it will be good to re-read myself if I have this overwhelming feeling of doubt again. I don't think I will be able to fix these inherent personality clashes but I feel like just being aware of them will help me be more self-aware of my actions and reactions. Also I NEED A HOBBY! Self-analysis is going out of fashion fast.
Also, the fact is that if you believe in it, I personally just think its interesting, this can all be just the stars playing and shining on my life, making it illuminated.
"Bubbly, changeable and a little bit fickle, Gemini women keep their men guessing -- and therefore always intrigued. Bombshells Marilyn Monroe and Angelina Jolie were both born under the sign of the Twins. Ruled by Mercury, your sharp wit is a turn-on. A sly innuendo from you counts more than an outright invitation from someone else. Bright and insightful, you present a mental challenge -- an appealing trait to a man. Though you can sometimes slip into dark moods, they don't last long. In fact, your optimism is legendary. As Warren Beatty said of his Gemini wife Annette Bening, "She has a talent for happiness."
OR "You tend to flit around a lot, Gemini, never staying put long enough to establish deeply-rooted ties. The fear of becoming bored or being hemmed in tends to keep you on the surface of things, never investing enough of yourself to feel committed. And, there's that secret fear that your partner might discover the "dark twin" you try so hard to hide. Yet letting someone in shines the light of love into the darkness -- leading to true intimacy."
So it could be the stars(?)
Anyway, the blue moon is coming and I am thinking about throwing myself a birthday party. I figure two decades of this level of narcissism deserves a party. Champagne and Strawberries anyone?
"This is still new to me /It's not what I planned/Impossible Germany/Unlikely Japan/This is what love is for/To put us at a place/Gorgeous and alone/And face to face/With no larger problems /That need to be erased/And nothing more important/Than to know someone's listening/Oh I know you're still listening"
A Tale of Two Cities :
I haven't updated because I have been out on the town showing my friend Carmen and her friend from Alabama, Miranda around Baltimore and the surrounding suburbs.
Day 1 (Hot Girls in the City)
On the way into the city via lightrail, Miranda gets harrassed by a very very drunk black man with a cane and a pair of binoculars. I think she was a mixture of flattered/offended. In a way the event was how most people view Baltimore. This would be the theme of the rest of the trip (where do stereotypes come from...) After spilling out onto the street we venture down through the porno block to the inner harbor. We stop into the Barnes n' Nobles at the Power Plant. There are apparently 2 Starbucks in it now. Then it was off to Little Italy. Along the way Miranda had to deal with both really bad smells of hot trash/dirty views of the bay/crack heads. Once we got to Little Italy, she began to have a little bit more of a positive view of the city, however even this was half taken away by the finding of a fly in Carmen's iced latte from Vaccaro's. I felt like it was sort of funny how everything was unfolding. Maybe Baltimore was revealing its true stereotypical self, which I had previously been shielded from. Then it was a walk to Fells Point. In Fells we enjoyed a few nice cafe's, including the Daily Grind, where Miranda made BFFs with the baristas there and got one of the best Americanos she had ever had. They really do pour a mean shot there. My stomach was half in knots, as much as I love Fells Point it haunts me. I have never been distraught in a whole neighborhood before. If Leonard Cohen is right then "true love leaves no traces", then perhaps the lack of love leaves huge imprints among the brick and cobblestones. As we left the city, there were fireworks.
Day 2 (A Day of Sun and Seamen)
On Tuesday I offered to babysit Miranda while Carmen went to work. She got dropped off around 7:30, I woke up and took a shower while she watched the "Strangers with Candy" movie. Then we went to my very quick doctor's appointment. I had been having problems with my heart, but apparently I am the picture of health (and minus 10 pounds since my last visit). I was glad to hear all this news. I wonder if my relationship with LDL had anything to do with the 10 pounds. I couldn't help but remember something one of my roomates at St.Mary's had said, "you have gotten so much more attractive since you started dating him". I didn't really know what to say to that. Others had said I had a "glow" / "stupid dazed smile on my face" all semester. Whatever it was, I am glad for it. Then we (Miranda,my dad and I) stopped at Sam's Bagels, I skipped out on the delicious bagels. Then we all headed over to Annapolis for the day. We really just walked around enjoying the scenery and the more slow paced mini-city. After a few hours of this and lunch, we headed home. Miranda and I walked to Ellicott City. On the trolley trail I ran into Sam Bopp with his mother. It had been years since I had seen him and it really shook me up, he looked really different, hairy. I gave him a huge hug (which I normally don't do) and we had a 2 second convo. Then we each went our separate ways. In Ellicott City, I did my best to recap some of the history/spookiness about different places. She didn't seem too freaked out, until walking past the creepy alley by the Crystal Underground and then more so after seeing Castle Michelanglo which looks out over the little mill town. Back at my house we exchanged ghost stories until Carmen came to pick her up. All in all a mellow, but decent day. Followed by a rather horrible night of restlessness and unfounded unhappiness. After speaking to the LDL it all seemed to fade nicely. I guess it was just nice to know that someone still finds me funny (for some reason he just seems to elevate that part of me), he himself is quite funny as well, sometimes he's so witty it scares me.
Day 3 (that old joke again)
Woke up at 1, remembered that I was supposed to be at Carmen's house at 1 for another day in the city. Left my house late, but called to make sure everything was alright/warn them. When I got there, I was told we were just going to head down back to Catonsville to pick up Carmen's brother from the high school. We debated whether or not to go in, finally deciding against it. Maybe this is a sign of growing up and letting go of any possible attachments to a pile of bricks and hallways which didn't hold anything for us now. For us, our eyes were always cast to the south to St.Mary's and Roanoke. Then, with Evan in tow it was off to Ellicott City to try some of the sipping chocolate we had heard so much about. It was all it was hyped up to be and more. The lady behind the register knew Evan, and began to talk to him and even pulled some money from her cash register and gave it to him for some unknown reason. This was all followed by a fast romp around Pikesville and then off to Catonsville to drop off Evan for graduation (he plays in the band) and to watch movies at my house until dinner time. We watched half of Crimes and Misdemeanors before meeting Carmen's parents at Chef Paulinos. It had moved to a nice building next to its former strip mall-esque location, the inside still looked the same and we still saw all of St.Joe's finest eating there (including Nate Shearer). It was soooo weird to see him there or to see him at all. I didn't stop and talk. I simply looked ahead. When almost strangers (who had seen each other at their respective worst) see each other again, years later...it seems that silence is the best solution. After dinner (of an amazing pizza) we watched the rest of the movie and started Hannah and Her Sisters. About 20 minutes into Hannah and her Sisters, the crew had to leave. I headed upstairs, preparing for a nice night of reading. I found that the LDL was online and talked to him for a little bit, but I found myself being extra self-conscious of how boring I was, I think maybe it was all the Woody Allen movies. Miranda said "he really captures how boring some people are in their interactions". I guess this current blog doesn't really do much to counter-act that notion. The he said he had to leave for a bit, but would be back. I didn't blame him, I was all over the place getting more gemini by the second (but without the wit). So I left to, to try to find something to distract my restless mind with. I couldn't read, so I wrote the LDL a little (not very good) poem in some little notebook. I hardly write by putting pen to paper anymore. I also uploaded some of my recent cd purchases to itunes. This caused my computer to go a little bit nuts so I let LDL know that it was happening and to call me before going to bed if he wanted. He didn't and its okay. I seem to be in no mood to talk anyway, not even to him, even though I found myself so perfectly smitten with him earlier in the day without even talking to him. Its getting harder and harder to keep myself together on this issue, esp. with horrible "women's time" thrown into the mix. Someone once said that they write to help organize their thoughts on a certain issue, so I guess I will do that now.
PLEASE feel free to skip this next section, it is really a trip inside the mind of a very stupid girl.
Analysis of the Issue:
- I am a head-lover by trade. Love when I think it fits, often times when it just seems to make sense. Also, I really just think too much about the matter. Let sleeping dogs lye, let love take its course? I think not.
- I am a runner. The first signs of trouble makes me second guess the whole picture. (hence this whole section of the post) The world is a big place, a little too big. My parents emphasizing the fact of my love/future with one person puts a great amount of happiness that is equally matched by a burden unto me. The very mention of the word "ring" by my mother is enough to make me smile a Cheshire cat grin, make me break out in a cold sweat, want it more than anything and yet hate myself for thinking that and wanting that.
- I associate being in love with feeling young and getting into mischief together. As my 20th birthday approaches, I can't help but feel like time is going by so fast and all I want is to run around outside with somebody or drink under playground equipment. He is that person, my best playmate and partner in crime, but he is miles away and deserves a closer companion as much as I do. I am also having to deal with my own issues with age, that I think are incomprehensible to a lot of other people. I still want to hop fences and go where I am not supposed to. I also want the workload and the responsibility of a 20 year old. But really is anyone going to respect a 20-year old hooligan? And I do want respect. I do care what other people think, how else is one supposed to judge themselves and see if they are actually a good person. Mirrors are not good judges of character, reflections in the eyes of others is though.
- I haven't been able to make somebody laugh for days and its killing me. I am becoming horribly boring. I have nothing to talk about, my brain feels dead. All the reading I do isn't helping either. No one wants to talk about what books the other is reading. Dull. Dull. Dull. So not only am I becoming old, but I am becoming dull. I said things this past week, that I was really just had to say to myself, "wait...I can't believe you just said that, you self-important jackass...no one really cares what you think about the state of race relations in the Baltimore-Washington corridor so SHUT UP".
- I am a flirt with a burdensome history I can't seem to get away from fast enough. Just today LDL noticed a John Berryman poem in my profile that I had put there during my days of messing around with a sailor in all sorts of unkosher ways. This caused me to fly into some kind of crazy spaz-mode. Deleting the poem, and putting another one up. I don't regret that time, not for the world. Do I wish I was a better person? yes, everyone does though, don't they? Do I sometimes wish that I was back living that sort of lifestyle? Not really, only a little bit. Its not as if being wanted for your sexual openness/prowess (which hasn't quite been up to par this whole semester, even if I am more satisfied sexually then I have ever been, I am not satisfied with my effort) and bomb-ass titties is something to want. I have been so much happier these past few months then I ever was when I was going to big parties and dicking around in barns with Navy pilots. I romanticize those events of course, perhaps unjustly, and that's not fair to LDL, even though I think I romanticize certain events with him too. I also worry that that part of me is going to lead me astray one day and that I will end up crushing both of us by some stupid fling, but just from clubbing and remembering the way I danced/behaved with the boys/men there, I know that this will never happen. I can flirt and dance and have my fun and not take it too far. I know I need to club or just roam around a bit to feel like I have lived and wasn't just stuck in some void, waiting. Carpe Diem, seize the carp right?
- MOST OF ALL THOUGH, it all boils down to the simple fact that I feel so strongly towards him, something so definite...and I usually can't say that anything is absolute...so I am feeling so strongly, but I am being pulled to doubt it at every turn (effing gemini...I know). The problem is that being aware of these doubts is healthy, but its not strengthening my feelings like it should be. The thing is, in spite of all of this craziness, I still feel so certain. I want this to work out more than anything else ever and that scares me too, almost as much as the possibility of failing at this scares me. I am not afraid of commitment, I am afraid of myself.
AH. I think that really helped me to get that all out. I hope no body reads it, but it will be good to re-read myself if I have this overwhelming feeling of doubt again. I don't think I will be able to fix these inherent personality clashes but I feel like just being aware of them will help me be more self-aware of my actions and reactions. Also I NEED A HOBBY! Self-analysis is going out of fashion fast.
Also, the fact is that if you believe in it, I personally just think its interesting, this can all be just the stars playing and shining on my life, making it illuminated.
"Bubbly, changeable and a little bit fickle, Gemini women keep their men guessing -- and therefore always intrigued. Bombshells Marilyn Monroe and Angelina Jolie were both born under the sign of the Twins. Ruled by Mercury, your sharp wit is a turn-on. A sly innuendo from you counts more than an outright invitation from someone else. Bright and insightful, you present a mental challenge -- an appealing trait to a man. Though you can sometimes slip into dark moods, they don't last long. In fact, your optimism is legendary. As Warren Beatty said of his Gemini wife Annette Bening, "She has a talent for happiness."
OR "You tend to flit around a lot, Gemini, never staying put long enough to establish deeply-rooted ties. The fear of becoming bored or being hemmed in tends to keep you on the surface of things, never investing enough of yourself to feel committed. And, there's that secret fear that your partner might discover the "dark twin" you try so hard to hide. Yet letting someone in shines the light of love into the darkness -- leading to true intimacy."
So it could be the stars(?)
Anyway, the blue moon is coming and I am thinking about throwing myself a birthday party. I figure two decades of this level of narcissism deserves a party. Champagne and Strawberries anyone?
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Lilith and Kitchen Secrets
Wake up, next thing I know I am cruising around on the D.C. metro system headed in the direction of Silver Spring. Then it was light conversation with Miriam (in which she rendered cliff note versions of some of the more interesting stories in the Jewish tradition) and a quick meet up with Paul who was on break from working at borders. The pho was very good, very meaty. Then it was a stop at Cake love then a 30-minute orrienteering session on the D.C. metro. Made it back to where my mom was waiting, feel asleep listening to some CNN affliated news program in the car. Then it was home in time to refuse dinner and curl up with a movie (Hannah and her Sisters). Then it was Down in the Valley, which I had wanted to see for a while even though the reviews were bad, I felt like anything Ed Norton touches has to have some sort of delicious blonde highlighted center (I think I might have been wrong...I am still not sure how I feel about that movie). After that was digging into Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain. I've been reading a lot of weird non-fiction stuff these days, it seems my quest for knowledge in comitragic ancedote form has a lot to look forward to. I devoured Bourdain's book, I had to make myself stop reading it 200 pages in or else I knew I would be up all night. So here I am to make another list & then go to bed.
Something New (in which the main character taps into her middle-class roots)
- A whole day without word from my LDL (long-distance lover), though I of course noticed I was comfortably nonpulsed.
- Horrible new character trait of relatively well organized comparison shopping. This is something I have feared for a long time. However in my defense its the first time and hopefully the last and its for a good cause (my LDL's birthday gift).
- An increasing urge, which has been building for a few months to become a slumin' foodie (basically eating anything that has an element of novelty and trying not to be pretenious about it...and really just to try to eat at new places)
Something Borrowed
- Excitement over one of the stories Miriam told me about over lunch, that of the Lamedvavniks. According to this story in certain Jewish traditions is that in the world at any given time are 36 just men who feel the pain of the entire world and suffer greatly. Added to this is the neccesary element of not being recognized as one of the truly just. To quote a section of wikipedia, "On very rare occasions, one of them is 'discovered' by accident, in which case the secret of their identity must not be disclosed. The lamed-vavniks do not themselves know that they are one of the 36. In fact, tradition has it that should a person claim to be one of the 36, that is proof positive that he is certainly not one. Since the 36 are each exemplars of anavah, ("humility"), having such a virtue would preclude against one’s self-proclamation of being among the special righteous. The 36 are simply too humble to believe that they are one of the 36." Also if you are wondering why 36 as I did...apparently it is historically considered an important number.
Something Blue:
- Overall feeling of restlessness I seem to be prone to these days. My gemini-ness has been out of control this week.
Something New (in which the main character taps into her middle-class roots)
- A whole day without word from my LDL (long-distance lover), though I of course noticed I was comfortably nonpulsed.
- Horrible new character trait of relatively well organized comparison shopping. This is something I have feared for a long time. However in my defense its the first time and hopefully the last and its for a good cause (my LDL's birthday gift).
- An increasing urge, which has been building for a few months to become a slumin' foodie (basically eating anything that has an element of novelty and trying not to be pretenious about it...and really just to try to eat at new places)
Something Borrowed
- Excitement over one of the stories Miriam told me about over lunch, that of the Lamedvavniks. According to this story in certain Jewish traditions is that in the world at any given time are 36 just men who feel the pain of the entire world and suffer greatly. Added to this is the neccesary element of not being recognized as one of the truly just. To quote a section of wikipedia, "On very rare occasions, one of them is 'discovered' by accident, in which case the secret of their identity must not be disclosed. The lamed-vavniks do not themselves know that they are one of the 36. In fact, tradition has it that should a person claim to be one of the 36, that is proof positive that he is certainly not one. Since the 36 are each exemplars of anavah, ("humility"), having such a virtue would preclude against one’s self-proclamation of being among the special righteous. The 36 are simply too humble to believe that they are one of the 36." Also if you are wondering why 36 as I did...apparently it is historically considered an important number.
Something Blue:
- Overall feeling of restlessness I seem to be prone to these days. My gemini-ness has been out of control this week.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Charm City, the remix
Never has the smell of cigarette smoke melded into fabric smelled so sweet. Perhaps because it is mostly clove cigarette residue. Mantra : the world is truly beautiful under strobe lights. I am reminded of the tragic line in some broadway musical (Cabaret actually...) "leave your troubles OUTside, in here, life is beautiful. The girls are beautiful. Even the orchestra is beautiful!" The several hour wandering around the streets and various areas of Baltimore on foot was probably the best pre-game to a dance party event a girl could ask for. Okay, enough of this paragraph stuff, lets list it up.
Something New:
- check plus for the Baltimore Lightrail and everyone who uses it/and or helps keep it running & for my whole crew riding it (most of us for the first time tonight)
- finding this massive great mead hall-like chinese take out place (not really a restraunt but oddly large aisle-way leading to the counter) on the lower part of Charles Street. This place has amazing pork fried rice...some of the best I've ever had and I usually judge a city by the ability of Chinese food places to make pork fried rice. I never really sampled/tested Baltimore until now & I have to say Cleveland and Baltimore are tied for best city on the PFR scale.
- Wandering around Little Italy at night / seeing that Viccaro's is open /busy late at night.
- Taxlo (seeing the many diff. groups which choose to go to a self-proclaimed 'Indie Rock Dance Club"...answer being a combination of high school girls, frat boys, oldsters in an uniform of black shirt and khaki, ex/still hardcore kids & those who "just wanna dance").
- A sweater dress bought at Target (impluse buy) & blazers/work clothes for my future as a FED.
Something borrowed :
- a love of over-remixed indie rock (from Martha)
Something Blue:
- the color of some of the fireworks / their repsective reflections in the water which we magically managed to see. So, we sat down at this fountain by the Radisson and the water was turned off and their was some commotion in the surrounding round-about with a fire truck. Turns out the firetruck was THEE safety firetruck should anything go wrong with the display. In the shadows we could even see the boat/lauch pad.
In short..amazing day/amazing night.
Something New:
- check plus for the Baltimore Lightrail and everyone who uses it/and or helps keep it running & for my whole crew riding it (most of us for the first time tonight)
- finding this massive great mead hall-like chinese take out place (not really a restraunt but oddly large aisle-way leading to the counter) on the lower part of Charles Street. This place has amazing pork fried rice...some of the best I've ever had and I usually judge a city by the ability of Chinese food places to make pork fried rice. I never really sampled/tested Baltimore until now & I have to say Cleveland and Baltimore are tied for best city on the PFR scale.
- Wandering around Little Italy at night / seeing that Viccaro's is open /busy late at night.
- Taxlo (seeing the many diff. groups which choose to go to a self-proclaimed 'Indie Rock Dance Club"...answer being a combination of high school girls, frat boys, oldsters in an uniform of black shirt and khaki, ex/still hardcore kids & those who "just wanna dance").
- A sweater dress bought at Target (impluse buy) & blazers/work clothes for my future as a FED.
Something borrowed :
- a love of over-remixed indie rock (from Martha)
Something Blue:
- the color of some of the fireworks / their repsective reflections in the water which we magically managed to see. So, we sat down at this fountain by the Radisson and the water was turned off and their was some commotion in the surrounding round-about with a fire truck. Turns out the firetruck was THEE safety firetruck should anything go wrong with the display. In the shadows we could even see the boat/lauch pad.
In short..amazing day/amazing night.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Actual Blog No. 1
I need a little bit more structure so I think by laying out my blog/life in categories sounds like a perfect excercise for that very very small type-A piece of me.
Something New:
- 4 records (Wilco's "Sky Blue Sky", Rufus Wainwright's "Release the Stars", Nellie McKaye's "Get Away from Me", Elliott Smith's New Moon")
- This Blog
- the term : meta-ethics. This sounds like the most pretenious thing ever, mostly because of the prefix "meta". Anyway, the highly reputable source for all things philosophy, wikipedia had this to say : "In philosophy, meta-ethics or analytic ethics [1] is the branch of ethics that seeks to understand the nature of ethical properties, and ethical statements, attitudes, and judgments. Meta-ethics is one of the three branches of ethics generally recognized by philosophers, the others being ethical theory and applied ethics. Ethical theory and applied ethics comprise normative ethics. Meta-ethics has received considerable attention from academic philosophers in the last few decades.While normative ethics addresses such questions as "Which things are (morally) good and bad?" and "What should we do?", thus endorsing some ethical evaluations and rejecting others, meta-ethics addresses the question "What is (moral) goodness?", seeking to understand the nature of ethical properties and evaluations."
Something Borrowed:
- the love of the song "Irreplaceable" by Beyonce', was borrowed/taken from my bff Carmax.
- Love of "lollercoogan", "<3" and "iawtc" (I agree with this comment) taken from my experience visiting Carmax's school in Roanoke, VA.
Something Blue:
- The cloudless sky today
- The car I was driving around Charm City today
- The way Elliott Smith makes me feel
- Joni Mitchell's amazing album which I am falling in love with all over again
Something New:
- 4 records (Wilco's "Sky Blue Sky", Rufus Wainwright's "Release the Stars", Nellie McKaye's "Get Away from Me", Elliott Smith's New Moon")
- This Blog
- the term : meta-ethics. This sounds like the most pretenious thing ever, mostly because of the prefix "meta". Anyway, the highly reputable source for all things philosophy, wikipedia had this to say : "In philosophy, meta-ethics or analytic ethics [1] is the branch of ethics that seeks to understand the nature of ethical properties, and ethical statements, attitudes, and judgments. Meta-ethics is one of the three branches of ethics generally recognized by philosophers, the others being ethical theory and applied ethics. Ethical theory and applied ethics comprise normative ethics. Meta-ethics has received considerable attention from academic philosophers in the last few decades.While normative ethics addresses such questions as "Which things are (morally) good and bad?" and "What should we do?", thus endorsing some ethical evaluations and rejecting others, meta-ethics addresses the question "What is (moral) goodness?", seeking to understand the nature of ethical properties and evaluations."
Something Borrowed:
- the love of the song "Irreplaceable" by Beyonce', was borrowed/taken from my bff Carmax.
- Love of "lollercoogan", "<3" and "iawtc" (I agree with this comment) taken from my experience visiting Carmax's school in Roanoke, VA.
Something Blue:
- The cloudless sky today
- The car I was driving around Charm City today
- The way Elliott Smith makes me feel
- Joni Mitchell's amazing album which I am falling in love with all over again
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