Well I guess as of this morning I am no longer a teenager, but a twenty-something. “They” (who ever that is…some kind of Jungian entity) say that those are some of the best years of your life…and to be honest they might be right…but I am really not the best authority on the issue. (Don’t they also say that the golden years are the best as well though??) Anyway, there’s a more specific they…rather a him, a Nietzsche who speaks about the idea of eternal recurrence, “According to Nietzsche, it would require a sincere amor fati (Love of Fate) not simply to endure, but to wish for, the eternal recurrence of all events exactly as they occurred — all the pain and joy, the embarrassment and glory. Nietzsche calls the idea "horrifying and paralyzing," and says that its burden is the heaviest weight imaginable. The wish for the eternal return of all events would mark the ultimate affirmation of life:‘What, if some day or night a demon were to steal after you into your loneliest loneliness and say to you: 'This life as you now live it and have lived it, you will have to live once more and innumerable times more' ... Would you not throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse the demon who spoke thus? Or have you once experienced a tremendous moment when you would have answered him: 'You are a god and never have I heard anything more divine.' – The Gay Science”
I guess I’d like to for my own benefit go over the “teenage years” and ask myself would I want to live all the embarassments and the mistakes all over again? Also its just fun to see how you’ve changed in a few short years. I wonder if this much change will happen in a span of 7 years again.
13 – “If it's so then let me know/If it's no then I can go/ And I won't make you” – Thirteen by Elliott Smith
Friends - I was in 8th grade and my best friend was probably Kelly Newhouse/Keri Kean. I was recovering from a 7th grade roughing up by Soyna Alexander, who dumped me as a friend. Any minor stint of high to medium popularity was gone. However I managed to return to my original group of friends : Rachel, Mindy, Nikki, Kelly Newhouse (and through Kelly…Keri Kean). We all ate lunch in Mr.Volkman’s art room, we were too cool and I guess “punk rock” for the cafeteria. Most of my friends but Keri were cutters and dressed in the Hot Topic chic-look that had yet to come into its full sceney mcscene level of popularity. They were aggressive, Rachel especially. I was not.
Music : I was still a recovering hippie from my 7th grade love affair with Mr. Ryan O’Connell and through him Bob Dylan.
Love: I think in many ways I was still recovering from my huge crushing crush on Mr.O’Connell that year. I think that I might have had a little thing for Jacob Corfield and maybe Jeff Daley as well. I had a thing for the fair-hair/red-headed lot from the beginning. I remember at the very end of 8th grade, there was the 8th grade dance. I remember the first moment I walked into the gym (a room filled with enough middle school trauma to fill a whole Todd Solondz film) with my hair pulled back, and no huge awkward glasses. Random acquaintances came up to me in my little navy dress with a square neck line and told me how good I looked. I guess I could only get better (there was A LOT of room for improvement). Anyway, at the last song, I danced with Jeff Daley, I think a mutual friend set us up. I think we might have talked awkwardly. I wanted to give him a kiss, but one of my friends…I think it must have been Keri, pulled me away just as I was going for his cheek.
Biggest Downfall/Best Accomplishment : I guess my writing in those days was both cause for dismay and praise. I wrote some really disturbing play about a gay bullied boy named Jacob, I think he might of killed himself at the end…of course. This play fell into some hands of teachers and got me a one way ticket to guidance. I managed to wiggle out of that one rather fast. The company I kept didn’t make it any easier of course. This also strained my relations with the teachers who reported me. However my writing wasn’t always getting me into trouble. I remember being the main student in charge of the literary magazine (P.A.W.S) and having a lot of stuff published in it and in the yearbook as well. I also remember when my speech was the winner of some 8th grade graduation contest and I got to be the student speaker at graduation. I was so nerveous, but I managed to only shake a little bit and overall did a good job speaking in front of all those kids and their parents. I also was rather annoying to Mr.O’Connell that year, basically forcing him to read this one (v. disturbing/mediocre/graphic) novel…which he did. He even bought me another copy and wrote an inscription in it.
Well its getting late and I am going to Cleveland bright and early tomorrow morning! I will finish up with
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