does catharsis rhyme with neurosis?

A lot to talk about but first a gloss by Wilco :
"This is still new to me /It's not what I planned/Impossible Germany/Unlikely Japan/This is what love is for/To put us at a place/Gorgeous and alone/And face to face/With no larger problems /That need to be erased/And nothing more important/Than to know someone's listening/Oh I know you're still listening"

A Tale of Two Cities :

I haven't updated because I have been out on the town showing my friend Carmen and her friend from Alabama, Miranda around Baltimore and the surrounding suburbs.

Day 1 (Hot Girls in the City)
On the way into the city via lightrail, Miranda gets harrassed by a very very drunk black man with a cane and a pair of binoculars. I think she was a mixture of flattered/offended. In a way the event was how most people view Baltimore. This would be the theme of the rest of the trip (where do stereotypes come from...) After spilling out onto the street we venture down through the porno block to the inner harbor. We stop into the Barnes n' Nobles at the Power Plant. There are apparently 2 Starbucks in it now. Then it was off to Little Italy. Along the way Miranda had to deal with both really bad smells of hot trash/dirty views of the bay/crack heads. Once we got to Little Italy, she began to have a little bit more of a positive view of the city, however even this was half taken away by the finding of a fly in Carmen's iced latte from Vaccaro's. I felt like it was sort of funny how everything was unfolding. Maybe Baltimore was revealing its true stereotypical self, which I had previously been shielded from. Then it was a walk to Fells Point. In Fells we enjoyed a few nice cafe's, including the Daily Grind, where Miranda made BFFs with the baristas there and got one of the best Americanos she had ever had. They really do pour a mean shot there. My stomach was half in knots, as much as I love Fells Point it haunts me. I have never been distraught in a whole neighborhood before. If Leonard Cohen is right then "true love leaves no traces", then perhaps the lack of love leaves huge imprints among the brick and cobblestones. As we left the city, there were fireworks.
Day 2 (A Day of Sun and Seamen)
On Tuesday I offered to babysit Miranda while Carmen went to work. She got dropped off around 7:30, I woke up and took a shower while she watched the "Strangers with Candy" movie. Then we went to my very quick doctor's appointment. I had been having problems with my heart, but apparently I am the picture of health (and minus 10 pounds since my last visit). I was glad to hear all this news. I wonder if my relationship with LDL had anything to do with the 10 pounds. I couldn't help but remember something one of my roomates at St.Mary's had said, "you have gotten so much more attractive since you started dating him". I didn't really know what to say to that. Others had said I had a "glow" / "stupid dazed smile on my face" all semester. Whatever it was, I am glad for it. Then we (Miranda,my dad and I) stopped at Sam's Bagels, I skipped out on the delicious bagels. Then we all headed over to Annapolis for the day. We really just walked around enjoying the scenery and the more slow paced mini-city. After a few hours of this and lunch, we headed home. Miranda and I walked to Ellicott City. On the trolley trail I ran into Sam Bopp with his mother. It had been years since I had seen him and it really shook me up, he looked really different, hairy. I gave him a huge hug (which I normally don't do) and we had a 2 second convo. Then we each went our separate ways. In Ellicott City, I did my best to recap some of the history/spookiness about different places. She didn't seem too freaked out, until walking past the creepy alley by the Crystal Underground and then more so after seeing Castle Michelanglo which looks out over the little mill town. Back at my house we exchanged ghost stories until Carmen came to pick her up. All in all a mellow, but decent day. Followed by a rather horrible night of restlessness and unfounded unhappiness. After speaking to the LDL it all seemed to fade nicely. I guess it was just nice to know that someone still finds me funny (for some reason he just seems to elevate that part of me), he himself is quite funny as well, sometimes he's so witty it scares me.
Day 3 (that old joke again)
Woke up at 1, remembered that I was supposed to be at Carmen's house at 1 for another day in the city. Left my house late, but called to make sure everything was alright/warn them. When I got there, I was told we were just going to head down back to Catonsville to pick up Carmen's brother from the high school. We debated whether or not to go in, finally deciding against it. Maybe this is a sign of growing up and letting go of any possible attachments to a pile of bricks and hallways which didn't hold anything for us now. For us, our eyes were always cast to the south to St.Mary's and Roanoke. Then, with Evan in tow it was off to Ellicott City to try some of the sipping chocolate we had heard so much about. It was all it was hyped up to be and more. The lady behind the register knew Evan, and began to talk to him and even pulled some money from her cash register and gave it to him for some unknown reason. This was all followed by a fast romp around Pikesville and then off to Catonsville to drop off Evan for graduation (he plays in the band) and to watch movies at my house until dinner time. We watched half of Crimes and Misdemeanors before meeting Carmen's parents at Chef Paulinos. It had moved to a nice building next to its former strip mall-esque location, the inside still looked the same and we still saw all of St.Joe's finest eating there (including Nate Shearer). It was soooo weird to see him there or to see him at all. I didn't stop and talk. I simply looked ahead. When almost strangers (who had seen each other at their respective worst) see each other again, years later...it seems that silence is the best solution. After dinner (of an amazing pizza) we watched the rest of the movie and started Hannah and Her Sisters. About 20 minutes into Hannah and her Sisters, the crew had to leave. I headed upstairs, preparing for a nice night of reading. I found that the LDL was online and talked to him for a little bit, but I found myself being extra self-conscious of how boring I was, I think maybe it was all the Woody Allen movies. Miranda said "he really captures how boring some people are in their interactions". I guess this current blog doesn't really do much to counter-act that notion. The he said he had to leave for a bit, but would be back. I didn't blame him, I was all over the place getting more gemini by the second (but without the wit). So I left to, to try to find something to distract my restless mind with. I couldn't read, so I wrote the LDL a little (not very good) poem in some little notebook. I hardly write by putting pen to paper anymore. I also uploaded some of my recent cd purchases to itunes. This caused my computer to go a little bit nuts so I let LDL know that it was happening and to call me before going to bed if he wanted. He didn't and its okay. I seem to be in no mood to talk anyway, not even to him, even though I found myself so perfectly smitten with him earlier in the day without even talking to him. Its getting harder and harder to keep myself together on this issue, esp. with horrible "women's time" thrown into the mix. Someone once said that they write to help organize their thoughts on a certain issue, so I guess I will do that now.

PLEASE feel free to skip this next section, it is really a trip inside the mind of a very stupid girl.
Analysis of the Issue:
- I am a head-lover by trade. Love when I think it fits, often times when it just seems to make sense. Also, I really just think too much about the matter. Let sleeping dogs lye, let love take its course? I think not.
- I am a runner. The first signs of trouble makes me second guess the whole picture. (hence this whole section of the post) The world is a big place, a little too big. My parents emphasizing the fact of my love/future with one person puts a great amount of happiness that is equally matched by a burden unto me. The very mention of the word "ring" by my mother is enough to make me smile a Cheshire cat grin, make me break out in a cold sweat, want it more than anything and yet hate myself for thinking that and wanting that.
- I associate being in love with feeling young and getting into mischief together. As my 20th birthday approaches, I can't help but feel like time is going by so fast and all I want is to run around outside with somebody or drink under playground equipment. He is that person, my best playmate and partner in crime, but he is miles away and deserves a closer companion as much as I do. I am also having to deal with my own issues with age, that I think are incomprehensible to a lot of other people. I still want to hop fences and go where I am not supposed to. I also want the workload and the responsibility of a 20 year old. But really is anyone going to respect a 20-year old hooligan? And I do want respect. I do care what other people think, how else is one supposed to judge themselves and see if they are actually a good person. Mirrors are not good judges of character, reflections in the eyes of others is though.
- I haven't been able to make somebody laugh for days and its killing me. I am becoming horribly boring. I have nothing to talk about, my brain feels dead. All the reading I do isn't helping either. No one wants to talk about what books the other is reading. Dull. Dull. Dull. So not only am I becoming old, but I am becoming dull. I said things this past week, that I was really just had to say to myself, "wait...I can't believe you just said that, you self-important jackass...no one really cares what you think about the state of race relations in the Baltimore-Washington corridor so SHUT UP".
- I am a flirt with a burdensome history I can't seem to get away from fast enough. Just today LDL noticed a John Berryman poem in my profile that I had put there during my days of messing around with a sailor in all sorts of unkosher ways. This caused me to fly into some kind of crazy spaz-mode. Deleting the poem, and putting another one up. I don't regret that time, not for the world. Do I wish I was a better person? yes, everyone does though, don't they? Do I sometimes wish that I was back living that sort of lifestyle? Not really, only a little bit. Its not as if being wanted for your sexual openness/prowess (which hasn't quite been up to par this whole semester, even if I am more satisfied sexually then I have ever been, I am not satisfied with my effort) and bomb-ass titties is something to want. I have been so much happier these past few months then I ever was when I was going to big parties and dicking around in barns with Navy pilots. I romanticize those events of course, perhaps unjustly, and that's not fair to LDL, even though I think I romanticize certain events with him too. I also worry that that part of me is going to lead me astray one day and that I will end up crushing both of us by some stupid fling, but just from clubbing and remembering the way I danced/behaved with the boys/men there, I know that this will never happen. I can flirt and dance and have my fun and not take it too far. I know I need to club or just roam around a bit to feel like I have lived and wasn't just stuck in some void, waiting. Carpe Diem, seize the carp right?

- MOST OF ALL THOUGH, it all boils down to the simple fact that I feel so strongly towards him, something so definite...and I usually can't say that anything is absolute...so I am feeling so strongly, but I am being pulled to doubt it at every turn (effing gemini...I know). The problem is that being aware of these doubts is healthy, but its not strengthening my feelings like it should be. The thing is, in spite of all of this craziness, I still feel so certain. I want this to work out more than anything else ever and that scares me too, almost as much as the possibility of failing at this scares me. I am not afraid of commitment, I am afraid of myself.

AH. I think that really helped me to get that all out. I hope no body reads it, but it will be good to re-read myself if I have this overwhelming feeling of doubt again. I don't think I will be able to fix these inherent personality clashes but I feel like just being aware of them will help me be more self-aware of my actions and reactions. Also I NEED A HOBBY! Self-analysis is going out of fashion fast.

Also, the fact is that if you believe in it, I personally just think its interesting, this can all be just the stars playing and shining on my life, making it illuminated.
"Bubbly, changeable and a little bit fickle, Gemini women keep their men guessing -- and therefore always intrigued. Bombshells Marilyn Monroe and Angelina Jolie were both born under the sign of the Twins. Ruled by Mercury, your sharp wit is a turn-on. A sly innuendo from you counts more than an outright invitation from someone else. Bright and insightful, you present a mental challenge -- an appealing trait to a man. Though you can sometimes slip into dark moods, they don't last long. In fact, your optimism is legendary. As Warren Beatty said of his Gemini wife Annette Bening, "She has a talent for happiness."

OR "You tend to flit around a lot, Gemini, never staying put long enough to establish deeply-rooted ties. The fear of becoming bored or being hemmed in tends to keep you on the surface of things, never investing enough of yourself to feel committed. And, there's that secret fear that your partner might discover the "dark twin" you try so hard to hide. Yet letting someone in shines the light of love into the darkness -- leading to true intimacy."

So it could be the stars(?)

Anyway, the blue moon is coming and I am thinking about throwing myself a birthday party. I figure two decades of this level of narcissism deserves a party. Champagne and Strawberries anyone?