Quick note on the LDL.
There have been times when I can’t quite fathom how I got here. It’s as if I’ve gotten punch drunk but some how still managed to get the big flashy belt. I wonder if they make special boxer-jeans with belt loops big enough so that you can wear that belt around. Gallagher or Carrot Top probably have a few pairs.
When I was a kid, and to this day, if I am being honest with myself, when going over bridges I always have the urge to throw my most valuable possession into the water. Some times I get the same feeling when I am with him (no I don’t necessarily want to throw him off a bridge…though I did pay an awful lot for him).
I have stayed up all night sifting through freshmen and sophomore year blogs , both mine and Miriam’s trying to get a sense of time, why Nick and not Greg? Etc. I learned a few things:
1. I was completely in lust with Alec for months and months…how did I forget that whole period of my life? Also it spawned some of the worst poetry to come out of my head. Alec, though we have both seen each other at our worst/meanest/cruelest, is truly an amazing friend and one of my favorite people in the entire world.
2. It was shitty of me to get involved with Ciaran that soon after he and Lizzie broke up (even though she seemed okay w/ it at the time…), I don’t think she has forgiven me for it or ever will, and who is say she is wrong? Certainly not me. Maybe it makes the triangle of men-sharing (Miriam, Me and Lizzie) stronger some how, if I want to be optimistic about it.
3. It was also shitty of me to be upset with Miriam about hooking up with Shane, but the thing was I was more pissed at Shane, well even more so just the situation itself. Also ROFL for that whole month.
4. Its amazing I made it out of freshmen year alive and with a decent GPA with all the drinking/partying/sexytimedrama.
5. Its also amazing how many times I backslided & got involved with Prof. L’Oreal... Though there were a few more incredible anecdotes about the situation which I had forgotten, but are worth telling over and over again.
6. Remember how there were at least 3 or 4 friends whose redic. Hookups I had forgotten…and also whole people. Who the EFF is Brian from freshmen year???
7. I had forgotten how fully involved Greg was in Miriam’s life from the middle-end of first semester freshmen year….onward. I can’t apologize for any damage I did to that relationship. In a way I am really glad to not be on campus next year, in hopes that that may rectify the situation. He is a really important person to many people.
8. Reading transcripts of Miriam/Greg’s really funny convos and also accounts of how he helped basically everyone in Dorch and even our brief path crossing at some of the highest drama moments….all made me love him deeper.
9. Also, in relation to this, I never threw the love word around lightly, but I did say that “I liked __________ a whole lot” ….quite a bit. I am /was such a waif.
11. I wish I had been a better friend to basically everyone Freshmen/Sophomore year. I wish I still talked to Laura/Lizzie/Kate/Ciaran. I wish I talked to Miriam more because she really is amazing in every way, all the way back to freshmen year when I stared as “the neighbor” in that wacky sitcom/comidrama of her life. We know a lot about each other, and for some reason she still manages to like me…I hope.
12. “People Come (Cum) and Go So Quickly Here”. – St.Mary’s forever.
13. I wish I had more time with Gregor on St.Mary’s campus or could spend another night staying up all night with him…there’s so much I want for him and for us.
14 MOST IMPORTANTLY: I AM A CRAPPY JOURNAL-er and hardly ever write anything worth remembering and/or hardly ever write in general. So I should probably either work on this issue or I should just stop all together…
It has been about 4 hours since I last talked to anyone. LDL (aka Greg) had an amazing revelation yesterday concerning Hinduism/connected-ness; I really can’t do it any justice by trying to describe it here. Listening to him talk about it I was SOOO happy for him/proud of him, it’s as if he’s happier now than he ever has been and it’s because of some knowledge gained. He is much more cynical then I am about most things, but really if I am honest with myself I like that about him (John and Paul making music groundbreaking music together? but I don’t want to be the Walrus), but this is almost like a healthy dose of something sort of like optimism. I really can’t wait to see where this leads him. I also would like to state for the record that I think it is just too funny that it has happened only a short period of time after reading The Razor’s Edge. I know it has nothing to do with the issue…its just sort of funny/apt.
I have been in fact been obsessing about this chaos theory/quantum theory-esque idea of connected-ness for the past few weeks. I am jealous that Gregor seems to have found his answer; I am still, perhaps permanently waiting to form a solid opinion. Gemini season is over, so maybe I will come up with some concrete stuff v. soon. Watching the movie Ghandi seemed to help…as horrible as that sounds. I CAN’T wait to talk to Miriam about her trip to India. I am sure Greg and I will both grill her separately. Good Cop/Bad Cop…I guess I could go either way, I am just in it for the doughnuts (in this case the doughnuts are a metaphor for knowledge of about India/Hinduism etc.)
In other news today I enjoyed the most amazing evening walk/alone time to/in Ellicott City. I thought about everything past and future, nothing new really came to light, just that I was really happy, which is perhaps the most important thing to realize, one could spend all their time being happy and not knowing it, what a waste. I ate a bagel with salmon cream cheese with red peppers on top from Bean Hollow for dinz, it was all that I expected and more. Then I just sort of pretended to read my textbook/study and then went to get some dessert from the Rumor Mill, the new restraunt where Side Streets used to be. Its actually one of the best dining experiences I have ever had, and it wasn’t just that the Crème’ Brulee was really really mind blowingly good, it was also the very friendly and excitable waitstaff. I def. think it’s the best Asian-fusion restraunt I’ve been to. Next time Saki bombs and giant piles of sushi. Eating alone, really is quite nice. I plan on going to see La Vie en Rose by myself some time later this week. Apparently, its breathtaking.
Wow this is a giant entry and I haven’t even recapped the past few weeks (including my Cleveland trip which was really great). More later. If you can handle it.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Thursday, June 7, 2007
F*#cking with Me Cause I am a teenager with a little bit of gold and a pager
Well I guess as of this morning I am no longer a teenager, but a twenty-something. “They” (who ever that is…some kind of Jungian entity) say that those are some of the best years of your life…and to be honest they might be right…but I am really not the best authority on the issue. (Don’t they also say that the golden years are the best as well though??) Anyway, there’s a more specific they…rather a him, a Nietzsche who speaks about the idea of eternal recurrence, “According to Nietzsche, it would require a sincere amor fati (Love of Fate) not simply to endure, but to wish for, the eternal recurrence of all events exactly as they occurred — all the pain and joy, the embarrassment and glory. Nietzsche calls the idea "horrifying and paralyzing," and says that its burden is the heaviest weight imaginable. The wish for the eternal return of all events would mark the ultimate affirmation of life:‘What, if some day or night a demon were to steal after you into your loneliest loneliness and say to you: 'This life as you now live it and have lived it, you will have to live once more and innumerable times more' ... Would you not throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse the demon who spoke thus? Or have you once experienced a tremendous moment when you would have answered him: 'You are a god and never have I heard anything more divine.' – The Gay Science”
I guess I’d like to for my own benefit go over the “teenage years” and ask myself would I want to live all the embarassments and the mistakes all over again? Also its just fun to see how you’ve changed in a few short years. I wonder if this much change will happen in a span of 7 years again.
13 – “If it's so then let me know/If it's no then I can go/ And I won't make you” – Thirteen by Elliott Smith
Friends - I was in 8th grade and my best friend was probably Kelly Newhouse/Keri Kean. I was recovering from a 7th grade roughing up by Soyna Alexander, who dumped me as a friend. Any minor stint of high to medium popularity was gone. However I managed to return to my original group of friends : Rachel, Mindy, Nikki, Kelly Newhouse (and through Kelly…Keri Kean). We all ate lunch in Mr.Volkman’s art room, we were too cool and I guess “punk rock” for the cafeteria. Most of my friends but Keri were cutters and dressed in the Hot Topic chic-look that had yet to come into its full sceney mcscene level of popularity. They were aggressive, Rachel especially. I was not.
Music : I was still a recovering hippie from my 7th grade love affair with Mr. Ryan O’Connell and through him Bob Dylan.
Love: I think in many ways I was still recovering from my huge crushing crush on Mr.O’Connell that year. I think that I might have had a little thing for Jacob Corfield and maybe Jeff Daley as well. I had a thing for the fair-hair/red-headed lot from the beginning. I remember at the very end of 8th grade, there was the 8th grade dance. I remember the first moment I walked into the gym (a room filled with enough middle school trauma to fill a whole Todd Solondz film) with my hair pulled back, and no huge awkward glasses. Random acquaintances came up to me in my little navy dress with a square neck line and told me how good I looked. I guess I could only get better (there was A LOT of room for improvement). Anyway, at the last song, I danced with Jeff Daley, I think a mutual friend set us up. I think we might have talked awkwardly. I wanted to give him a kiss, but one of my friends…I think it must have been Keri, pulled me away just as I was going for his cheek.
Biggest Downfall/Best Accomplishment : I guess my writing in those days was both cause for dismay and praise. I wrote some really disturbing play about a gay bullied boy named Jacob, I think he might of killed himself at the end…of course. This play fell into some hands of teachers and got me a one way ticket to guidance. I managed to wiggle out of that one rather fast. The company I kept didn’t make it any easier of course. This also strained my relations with the teachers who reported me. However my writing wasn’t always getting me into trouble. I remember being the main student in charge of the literary magazine (P.A.W.S) and having a lot of stuff published in it and in the yearbook as well. I also remember when my speech was the winner of some 8th grade graduation contest and I got to be the student speaker at graduation. I was so nerveous, but I managed to only shake a little bit and overall did a good job speaking in front of all those kids and their parents. I also was rather annoying to Mr.O’Connell that year, basically forcing him to read this one (v. disturbing/mediocre/graphic) novel…which he did. He even bought me another copy and wrote an inscription in it.
Well its getting late and I am going to Cleveland bright and early tomorrow morning! I will finish up with
I guess I’d like to for my own benefit go over the “teenage years” and ask myself would I want to live all the embarassments and the mistakes all over again? Also its just fun to see how you’ve changed in a few short years. I wonder if this much change will happen in a span of 7 years again.
13 – “If it's so then let me know/If it's no then I can go/ And I won't make you” – Thirteen by Elliott Smith
Friends - I was in 8th grade and my best friend was probably Kelly Newhouse/Keri Kean. I was recovering from a 7th grade roughing up by Soyna Alexander, who dumped me as a friend. Any minor stint of high to medium popularity was gone. However I managed to return to my original group of friends : Rachel, Mindy, Nikki, Kelly Newhouse (and through Kelly…Keri Kean). We all ate lunch in Mr.Volkman’s art room, we were too cool and I guess “punk rock” for the cafeteria. Most of my friends but Keri were cutters and dressed in the Hot Topic chic-look that had yet to come into its full sceney mcscene level of popularity. They were aggressive, Rachel especially. I was not.
Music : I was still a recovering hippie from my 7th grade love affair with Mr. Ryan O’Connell and through him Bob Dylan.
Love: I think in many ways I was still recovering from my huge crushing crush on Mr.O’Connell that year. I think that I might have had a little thing for Jacob Corfield and maybe Jeff Daley as well. I had a thing for the fair-hair/red-headed lot from the beginning. I remember at the very end of 8th grade, there was the 8th grade dance. I remember the first moment I walked into the gym (a room filled with enough middle school trauma to fill a whole Todd Solondz film) with my hair pulled back, and no huge awkward glasses. Random acquaintances came up to me in my little navy dress with a square neck line and told me how good I looked. I guess I could only get better (there was A LOT of room for improvement). Anyway, at the last song, I danced with Jeff Daley, I think a mutual friend set us up. I think we might have talked awkwardly. I wanted to give him a kiss, but one of my friends…I think it must have been Keri, pulled me away just as I was going for his cheek.
Biggest Downfall/Best Accomplishment : I guess my writing in those days was both cause for dismay and praise. I wrote some really disturbing play about a gay bullied boy named Jacob, I think he might of killed himself at the end…of course. This play fell into some hands of teachers and got me a one way ticket to guidance. I managed to wiggle out of that one rather fast. The company I kept didn’t make it any easier of course. This also strained my relations with the teachers who reported me. However my writing wasn’t always getting me into trouble. I remember being the main student in charge of the literary magazine (P.A.W.S) and having a lot of stuff published in it and in the yearbook as well. I also remember when my speech was the winner of some 8th grade graduation contest and I got to be the student speaker at graduation. I was so nerveous, but I managed to only shake a little bit and overall did a good job speaking in front of all those kids and their parents. I also was rather annoying to Mr.O’Connell that year, basically forcing him to read this one (v. disturbing/mediocre/graphic) novel…which he did. He even bought me another copy and wrote an inscription in it.
Well its getting late and I am going to Cleveland bright and early tomorrow morning! I will finish up with
Monday, June 4, 2007
Wild Wild West(ern Maryland)...
While driving to/exploring western Maryland today I saw a bumper sticker that read "Fredneck is not a dirty word" and I reached the same conclusion. I have never been much on small town charm, maybe its just my open hostility for antique shopping. However, wandering around Fredrick today with my dad I couldn't help but love this weird combination of hippies, Fredneck and ex-hardcore tattooed store owners. Its location is incredible as well 45 minutes from D.C. , 46 from Baltimore. I am not saying that I want or dream of living in Fredrick, but it really just put a lot of previously held views of small town living to shame. Well, Fredrick was really just a side trip, our real destination, Lilypons, MD. Lilypons turned out to be one of the weirdest places I had ever been : http://www.lilypons.com/ . When we finally arrived, after a few backroads and tons of barns, we found a wholesale fish and waterlily store craddled in the mountains and powerlines (pics to follow soon). At home I was greeted with an invite out on the town by Carmen and Conor and while getting ready to go out, a phone call from LDL was enough to make me giddy for the rest of the night (the latte helped as well). It was really a perfect day of travel and old friends getting together. There's really nothing better than coffee and pouring over Cosmo and wedding magazines and being catty and a big giant girl...except maybe travelling to a place you have never been before and will never forget.
I watched my main man, Anthony Bourdain go to Ireland when I got home. Hearing both the Northern Irish accent (the most beautiful accent in the world) and the Cork men mulling over pints..shook the marrow in my bones. I proceeded to send an email to my Irish friend, Caroline asking her how she is and what she is doing in August. My hope is that I could fly into Shannon or Dublin and stay with Caz for a weekend or maybe more and bum around Ireland again. I ache to see Roscahill and Galway. Nothing in the world like Irish whiskey or Guinness in Ireland said Anthony Bourdain...and I have to agree. In many way Ireland is romaticized wrongly, but mostly I find it to be justified. My mission is to get to Belfast, walk up the Falls and the Shankhill. Love murals...COME WITH ME!
I just finished watching Dr.K Death himself being interviewed by Larry King. I don't know what to think. The cause he stands for I agree with, but I am want to wonder whether or not he is the best person for the cause. Then I of course realize what a great scarifice he has made and can respect anyone with strong conviction, regaurdless of what it is for...well almost anything. Now I am watching a re-run of Anderson Cooper 360 his pop-journalism and soundbites make me blush (both from sexual frustration and embarassment over a mediocre pop-news program that has not reached its full potential) however I would really like to see the full Democratic canidate debate (helllllllloooo youtube) and hope to see the elephants duke it out tommorow (McCain/Romney KY wrestling anyone?)
ALSO this is where I am going for my birthday lunch this Thursday : http://www.leparadou.net/ I am beyond excited and beyond lucky to have such great parents and to have made it 2 decades.
to bed now. tommorow is another day (hopefully one full of landscaping and swimming).
I watched my main man, Anthony Bourdain go to Ireland when I got home. Hearing both the Northern Irish accent (the most beautiful accent in the world) and the Cork men mulling over pints..shook the marrow in my bones. I proceeded to send an email to my Irish friend, Caroline asking her how she is and what she is doing in August. My hope is that I could fly into Shannon or Dublin and stay with Caz for a weekend or maybe more and bum around Ireland again. I ache to see Roscahill and Galway. Nothing in the world like Irish whiskey or Guinness in Ireland said Anthony Bourdain...and I have to agree. In many way Ireland is romaticized wrongly, but mostly I find it to be justified. My mission is to get to Belfast, walk up the Falls and the Shankhill. Love murals...COME WITH ME!
I just finished watching Dr.K Death himself being interviewed by Larry King. I don't know what to think. The cause he stands for I agree with, but I am want to wonder whether or not he is the best person for the cause. Then I of course realize what a great scarifice he has made and can respect anyone with strong conviction, regaurdless of what it is for...well almost anything. Now I am watching a re-run of Anderson Cooper 360 his pop-journalism and soundbites make me blush (both from sexual frustration and embarassment over a mediocre pop-news program that has not reached its full potential) however I would really like to see the full Democratic canidate debate (helllllllloooo youtube) and hope to see the elephants duke it out tommorow (McCain/Romney KY wrestling anyone?)
ALSO this is where I am going for my birthday lunch this Thursday : http://www.leparadou.net/ I am beyond excited and beyond lucky to have such great parents and to have made it 2 decades.
to bed now. tommorow is another day (hopefully one full of landscaping and swimming).
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